There are lots and lots of photos (by which I mean about 20) that I just put up at Snapfish. I also have a lot of really neat videos that I took of a Grade 7 dance presentation, but I have yet to figure out how to post those. But I'll sort it out eventually. I'm sorry thats all I've really got for this week, and last week to come to think of it, but honestly I'm just tired. Emotionally, physically, I just feel exhausted all the time. All I want to do is sleep.
Do you know, two nights ago somebody stole my shoes? My shoes! And the only pair I had with me at the time, too. The only pair I ever wear, and you can't get Chacos in South Africa, either. I was staying in a dorm room at my favorite Pretoria backpackers, and somebody managed to break in, sneak into the room, and grab my shoes. He was bending over my backpack, too, beginning to rifle through things, when fortunately another guy who was staying there woke up and started shouting at him. The robber took off without my camera or cell phone, or wallet, or anything super valuable but -- I really loved those shoes! My poor Chacos. And it scares me, that somebody was so close to my bed at night -- so close to me at night -- and I didn't even wake up.
It just gets so exhausting, to always have to be on your guard. To always be looking over your shoulder, and worrying, and making back-up plans. I hate that I can't hear somebody running behind me without going into instant defense mode. I hate how its just always acceptable for people to stop me on the street and try to get something from me. Why is it okay to ask me for 2 rand, (for 4 rand 60? wtf?) for a sweet, for a drink, for "just something momm-ee...just something" to give me a lewd proposal, marriage or otherwise? I just don't have the patience anymore, or the energy. I understand the poverty, don't I? I live in it, I see it everyday. I don't...I want to say I don't hate the people who stop me on the street, but maybe instead I should say I don't misunderstand them. Yes, I know where you're coming from. Yes, I know the system has destroyed you. I can pity you, and empathize, and resolve to try just that much harder where I am. But I think sometimes its the sheer amount of energy it takes to remind myself of that. To not say "oh, these people..." to always be reminding myself that of course there's a reason. (Obviously, of course, there's a reason. Nobody just decides to live on a street corner because it seems like fun).
It is exhausting to live here. It will finish you. I am exhausted.
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